Vision Loss

Maybe I’m a little old school – not so much in the Scott-Baio-will-always-be-cool way, and not even in the My Adidas-is-the-best-song-ever way. I’m a throwback disciple in the sense that, in spite of the liberating convenience of LASIK, PRK, and other types of corrective-lens-killing procedures, I think glasses are still pretty hot.

Now, I understand that a lot of people might think that glasses are vision-correcting killjoys. They break, they get lost, they’re uncomfortable, they impede participation in spontaneous rugby matches, they’re emotionally needy, and they don’t get along with your parents (whoops, those last two are for my diary). Reasonable annoyances, and reasonable motivations to opt for vision correcting surgeries. But hey, these aren’t reasons to condemn glasses as relics of the pre-laser in your eye past.

People often forget that glasses don’t just help you see better – they act as symbols of sophistication, intellect, and an understated, smoldering hotness. Would you have had a major crush on the county librarian during fourth-grade if not for her glasses? I thought so.

Some celebrities derive their aesthetic identity (and aforementioned smoldering hotness) from their glasses. Tina Fey is worshipped by snarky men and women who recognize not only her wit, but her wicked-good looks. Ira Glass (sounds suspiciously like “eyeglass”) can put Abercrombie models to shame while recording their stories of feeling physically and intellectually inferior to him for This American Life. Would Lisa Loeb have Stayed in the spotlight so long without her cat-eyed glasses? And those who (creepily) lust for the still-adolescent body of Harry Potter would readily admit that without those spectacles, HP wouldn’t look any better than the Muggle next door.

Face it – glasses aren’t all that bad. They’re still effective, they come in countless varieties, and, at worst, they make you look smarter and sexier. So smart and sexy, in fact, that I feel like reading books. Smart books.

I wonder if Ms. Heinrichs still works at the library…